I'm a dietitian. I'm RD LD all the way baby.
Of course.. now the hoops to
1) start a business
and
2) accept insurance
and...
3) actually make any frigging money

Once again, I'm graduating.  finally
again

Soon, I'll take that registration exam and be a dietitian.

Once again, I'm graduating.  finally

I'm not sure what it is about fall.  My mind seems to work best when the temperatures start to drop... but then again, it could be the thyroid medz kicking me back into gear.  I hear myself preparing.. here we go.. another shift... who will I be on the other side?

The last couple of years have been so centering, so grounding.  I worried that I would never 'fly' again, that I was home-y-fying.  But here I am, now I suppose I can build on the foundation.  It feels like I've laid down fresh concrete and its covered in my foot prints.  Have you ever done stepped into wet concrete to leave a mark for your foot and then come back to it when it dried?  But it doesn't work as an analogy, it just describes my feeling.

My peculiar synaesthesia.

Been home alone this weekend...

I did half my homework and will weasel through the rest sometime before it's due.  Getting straight A's is a little lame, at this point.  I'm not even trying anymore.  It just happens.  Life University is an EASY school.

Oh.
For those of you who know me (like anyone reads this)
I'm on thyroid meds now.  It's about time, but I've got my fingers crossed that my healthy eating habits may pay off soon especially if I keep gyming it.

The fall is coming inside me.
It's hot as hell here, but I'm totally feeling the approach of fall.  My yearly cycle of creativity and energy is reaching a high point.  I can't believe that I don't have any good paper.  <sigh>  Hubby was supposed to stretch canvas for me, but he hasn't and probably won't 'have time' for a month or two.  Which means, xmas will suck again this year (won't have presents to give... since we're terminally broke).

Maybe.. what with the meds, I'll manage to get pregnant.  Of course, that would require more than fall coming in me.  <sigh>  Soon we'll both be working 2 jobs.  Yeh... hurrah feminist movement.  Now we can work and keep the house (and.. if we're lucky, have babies too).

Blast the Federal Reserve and the Shadowy Bankers.

Vote Ron Paul.

Scrunched up, twisted and crossed fingers
                and toes
Always running uphill, treadmill
       stopped..
Steep slope goes and goes,
finally making ground



I've gotten a job with Children's in Atlanta.  It's about the best for which I could hope.  Just weekends for now, but the pay is great and the prestige of the hospital is fantastic.  There are no locked doors on the right path. 

It's exciting.

Next fall I'll be done with a second degree.  I'm loving  everything about this except for the $$ part.  I couldn't be happier.  We'll have health insurance next month and then we can start having SEX when we feel like it.
Making babies.

I'm posting a bit I wrote a while ago that explains what happened when I was raped.  Some of the reason it is still an issue is that it was a rape by community.. and well... community and I haven't really made up yet.  So.. I'm posting it to because I haven't really said 'everything' before and I want ... validation... I want someone to say 'yeh.. that's rape...'.  At the time it seemed that no one, hardly, thought it was...
but I'm not coherent now.. so I'll post and go...

I guess the fall wakes me up a bit. Or maybe it's that Im waking up earlier and going to bed earlier. Always been a morning person.

...been listening to Ben Lee repeatedly. :D It's so happy and.. comforting. ... maybe I'm coming back into myself because I'm moving again? I'm again, ... again.., progressing towards a goal. This time... I feel I'm actually going full-steam in the 'right' direction.
"He will know our ways as though he was born to them" or whatever :p
4.0
... well... jumping into an accelerated second quarter Organic Chemistry class has shown me with a B. I'll try not to let it happen again. We'll see how that goes.

i'm so sick of struggling with money crap. But, I feel that there is something else in my brain now. I can see light at the end of the tunnel.. or something.

Awake, is the new sleep.
Awake, is the new sleep.
So wake up.. and do it... whatever it is.... whatever it is.

As I sit at my kitchen table, looking out at my beautiful yard, my beautiful house... wow.
Getting here has been rough, but.. I'm here.
I'm trying to .. still.. deal with the transformation of my mother into this house. I miss her. It's not getting easier, or better, but it is getting different. I can think about it now... even if it still makes me cry-ey. <sigh>

I love the weather today. The blue sky with puffy white clouds. 74 degrees of bliss. and bliss is all dressed up with no one to dance with....

I'm on the otherside of something. Kind of like I've made it to 'adulthood' with my SELF intact. I was so afraid that I would melt away and become another sleeping/dead adult. But I'm still here... it was shakey for a little while. Everything was so dark and terrible and slipping away might've been easier..
But I'm here.
And.. I'm different. I am a 'grown-up' but I am still me.
I haven't lost my creativity or my spark.. I haven't stopped thinking or dreaming or wishing or much of anything I feared I might lose.

... and the miracle between H and I.
it's nuts.
He's not the man I married. <smiles> I didn't change him, he changed him. Sometimes it was so tempting... but... it probably wouldn't have worked anyways... he's sooo damned stubborn.
I'm really lucky.

.. and J, it's so strange and comfortable and relaxed. It's so real. I couldn't ask .. couldn't dream of anyone who could fit into my life better. I hope I'm as good for her....

mm

I was a bundle of nerves last week. So much about which to fret and worry... I guess I couldn't carry the load... or maybe it was all the talking we did last week...

But..
Where I was in love with her before, reserved and treading lightly..
Now I am in love with her, confident and wanting more.

But I don't know what to do with myself now. I've never thought much about vee dynamics. I don't know what 'success' is for that scenario. (And we all know how goal-oriented I am.) I mean... if H is happy with whatever may come as long as I don't leave him and J is happy... um..

Having Cake + Eating Cake = Having Cake + Eating Cake

... But if I take away ONE apple, how many will I have?

Can the math really work like this?

I haven't been writing. I'm a bad bloggger. hah

I feel like I'm nearly a grown-up. My attitudes and thoughts and feelings have changed so much. It's nice.
Except for the background noise of mortality.

Dissociated. The world is still a movie, but I feel that I hold the key to getting back to 'reality'. If I can stomach using it.

All that horrible shit that happened... yeh.. it's time to deal with it. It's time to dredge it up and sift through all the horrible feelings. Accepting and embracing and moving on to the rest of my life. It is daunting. I don't know if I will actually do it. I've been living a dream.. a movie.. for nearly 12 years. That's a long time.

I'd almost forgotten what it is.

Nice to have time to get stuff done, or not done.

SO today...

I went back to the good doc.. and he checked my current and plugged me into the diagnostics. hehe He says that I'm on the road to recovery and off the road to destruction.

Wahoo

but
I'm so tired now.. like all that pushing myself on is catching up with me. He says it'll be a couple months before I'm done with this change. I say.. only a couple months?! Reeehaw!

I'm filled with optimism and hope.. hope.. Me?! hope.
Contentment is creeping in and soon.. maybe I'll be satisfied and happy.

Whoah.

Buddha kisses, I'm waking this spring and dancing on my own feet with the greening grass. I'm filling with compassion and thoughts of flowers and leaves.

The world of pain that was sour to the touch is draining away and ooey gooeyness is replacing the mess that was.

Yesterday.. and I guess a bit today.. I've been an old sail. Shipwreck, tattered, broken.. attached to a ship stuck on a reef.

I feel I'm becoming untethered... breaking more, but breaking free. Still threadworn, still patchwork, still somewhat transparent, still torn. But I'm flapping away from the wreck.. maybe fly away and become something else... longing for kitehood and new scenary.

Still torn...

After so many footsteps that landed on footsteps landed on footsteps on footsteps footsteps,
I'm finding new places to put my feet. Not sure, yet, where they're landing or what direction we're headed, but my imprint isn't worn into this day nor tomorrow.

It's scary and embarrasing. I can't think of what it will be like when I see my father again. And I feel badly, him shouldering 2 sets of shoulders alone. But, I needed to get on with my life and having found someone who will help my wiring... finally...

So what am I feeling? Kind of guilty, kind of scared, kind of embarrassed... but not really. So this body has seen things it didn't want to know... but this mind has known more than it wants to know... and that's the trouble.
To know.
To know where you stand in other's minds. To know that so many think it no matter to subject you, crying, to their will. To know people who care more to pretend than to help a loved one.

But I know I'm loved.
I am.
And I know that my parents loved. love. me. In spite of cold fear and repression, pressed upon them earlier along the line. But the line stops here. The line stops now.
I'm stepping out of line.
Maybe that's what my feet are doing?
And it's hard.. this untrodden ground.

I did it. Finally. I feel like I'm going to puke.

I mean... it was an email.. but it said more than I probably could ever had said vocally.

I confronted my dad about the way they handles the rape stuff.. the molestation stuff... ugh. wow

Well

At least I'm working again. Wish H were, too... but as always.. we're barely scraping by.. Why can't I ever get ahead?

Dusty Rose morning
breathe of gods
puffed out shapes floating
crispy sky

visual silence
empty road

We're stateside again.

It's good and bad, I guess.
Still getting over jet lag.

Every month is pregnant, even if I'm not. There's something to be said for anticipation of good news. Sure, it's a bummer to be let down.. but!

It will happen at some point (and WORST case scenario... we adopt no worries).


Just about one month left here.. we're looking forward to turning the calender page in another day.

A thought occured to me..

Things might actually start going.. right..

I hadn't realized how pessimistic I had become, but I guess, after years of bfs and others telling me about how *things* were going to work out and be great, that... well... maybe things are working out now. Of course, for the most part they were talking about money. Money that never 'came' in anyway, shape, or form. Money and recognition of their greatness... -coughs- Yeah.. you're the *one*, let me go get morpheus for you.

-shakes head-

Anyways.

I had no idea what love is/was. Now.. being here.. it seems so simple, until I remember back to before there was 'us'. But, here I am and it's the most satisfying feeling. All my sticky-sharp-sour edges are melted... and I'm coalesing back into just me.

And I'm realizing.
This might just work.
-waves hands about-
Not just the happy loveness-relationship, but
we will have a house
job(s)
and.. we will move in 4-6 years to Washington, or Montana, or Alaska.. or where ever we find our land to be..
we will have kids
we will get by
we are and will be happy
and
it's
going
to
work
out

Finally

I'm so lucky to have found love, so lucky to have H.
.. changed so much in the last 2 years...